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Home › Dad of the Month

Dr. Michael Diamond

By Teri Brown

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a father who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a man and a father. Above all, the Dad of the Month is dedicated to his children. Rich or poor, famous or not, he shines as an example of what fathering is all about.

Dr. Michael Diamond from Los Angeles, Calif., is a man on a mission. After 30 years of working with men, both individually and in groups, he wants people to know just how important the father/son relationship is and the impact it has on each progressive generation of sons.

His most recent book, My Father Before Me: How Fathers and Sons Influence Each Other Throughout Their Lives (WW Norton, 2007), explores the complexities of the father/son relationship and how it affects men – long after they have sons of their own. The seeds for this book grew from both his practice and the realization that his father's influence affected his own fathering.

"I began teaching courses in men's psychology and leading men's therapy groups nearly 30 years ago," Dr. Diamond says. "Soon thereafter, and over two decades ago when I was becoming a father myself, I initially examined the hopes and dreams, as well as the anxieties and needs, of men in the process of becoming fathers and thus wrote my first professional paper in this area on becoming a father."

Several years later, Dr. Diamond's studies prompted him to examine how fathering helps men to establish their sense of manhood toward understanding the specific impact of fathers on their sons throughout their life span and, in turn, how a son influences his father's own parallel development. Most recently, his research has focused on how fathers help to shape their sons' sense of masculinity and how this masculine identity shifts during the course of a man's life.

"In particular, there are three primary circumstances that led to the actual writing of this book," Dr. Diamond says. "One, the emergence of my own children into young adulthood and leaving the nest; two, a coalescing of my professional study, teaching and writing on fathering and masculinity for nearly 30 years; and three, a strong need to 'give back' to the broader circle of men (and women) my acquired understandings of fathers and sons throughout the life cycle."

The Forgotten Parent
Dr. Diamond says there are many reasons why fathers have become the forgotten parent.

"As I say in my book, despite the apparent timelessness of the father-son bond – and more generally, the father-child connection – a sense of its power and closeness has waxed and waned over time," Dr. Diamond says. "In agrarian society, for instance, fathers were very involved in their children's lives, acting as teachers, mentors and guides. This involvement began to ebb in the mid-19th century, with the advent of the Industrial Revolution. As families moved from the farm to the city, men began working outside of the home and as a consequence, their home-centered influence decreased."

According to Dr. Diamond, effective fathers were not only absent from the popular imagination, but from the professional literature as well. Scholarly papers documenting mothers, motherhood and a mother's impact on her children abounded; social scientists unwittingly devalued the father's role, and research on fathers was scant.

"Even now, when we talk about fatherhood, we tend to focus on its concrete trappings: the diapers men change, the parent-teacher conferences they attend, the soccer games they coach, the custody battles they win," Dr. Diamond says. "Meanwhile, important questions go unanswered: How does becoming a father change a man, and in what ways? What is the impact of becoming a father on a man's partner? How does his becoming a father affect a man's relationship to his own father? How do fathers and sons feel about each other? The emotions that coincide with being a father, emotions such as hope and fear, joy and pain, have until now remained largely unexplored."

A Boy and His Dad
There is a period of time during which a boy idolizes his father, but this isn't the only time a father has influence on his son.

"I find that what is most important is that a father capitalizes on the period of time during which his son needs him – and as I elaborate in my book, this occurs throughout the boy's development, not only when he idolizes his father," Dr. Diamond says. "Research has shown that the earlier the father becomes involved with his son, the more likely it is that the son will develop in healthy, constructive ways."

The Changes of Adolescence
According to Dr. Diamond, adolescence is a difficult time for fathers, many of whom are confronting their own discontents, worries and surprises that are common to a man in his middle-age.

"As they begin to accept the fact that they have lost their 'young' boys as well as youthful versions of themselves, they contend with loss, impotence, resignation and their own mortality," Dr. Diamond says. "At the same time, many experience vivid memories of their relationship with their own fathers as they struggle to handle a myriad of emotions with their sons. Though they may fight and frequently seem at odds, fathers and their teenage sons are in fact struggling with the very same issues of identity, differentiation and loss."

In His Own Life
As a father himself, Dr. Diamond has found that the most rewarding facet of fatherhood is remaining engaged with his children and observing them develop in their own unique ways.

"Sharing quality time and activities together, communicating openly, expressing love, constructively dealing with conflict and disagreement and seeing how something valued from myself (or my wife) is being carried forward in our children is deeply gratifying – and most particularly witnessing our children experience life's joys as well as the inevitable disappointments in honest, authentic and generous ways," Dr. Diamond says. "... [T]here is something deeply gratifying in the reciprocal development that occurs when a father remains constructively involved with his maturing child."

Try Dr. Michael Diamond's family recipe for French Dressing.

Dr. Diamond has been married for more than 25 years to wife, Linda, and credits her with being a huge supporter of his work. In his book's acknowledgements he writes, "And most significantly, my appreciation is immeasurable for my wife and closest friend, Linda, who supported my work on this project in inestimable ways, including a thorough and critical reading of the manuscript in process, while challenging me as only a highly trusted, trustworthy, and loving partner can do."

Dr. Diamond's aim to promote a deeper understanding about the father/son relationship is an ongoing mission. As society learns to value both parents equally for the emotional support and health they give their families, children can only benefit.



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