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Home › Dad of the Month

Rick March

By Donna Smith

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a father who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a man and a father. Above all, the Dad of the Month is dedicated to his children. Rich or poor, famous or not, he shines as an example of what fathering is all about.

After six years of marriage, Rick March, a self-employed consultant from Highland Park, Ill., found himself married to a woman with "several addictions," which ultimately lead to divorce. When March's ex-wife dropped off her son, Paul, from a previous marriage, at his home before leaving on a trip, she did not return. That's how this Dad of the Month started his journey of single fatherhood.

A New Life

March says Paul doesn't talk about his mom. "She doesn't call, and he doesn't call her," he says. "He believes she loves him, but he sees that I am always around 24/7 for support. I never challenge his belief, but I will not let him live in a fantasy either. He accepts that she cannot take care of him because she is ill. He will not use the word 'abandoned' and there is no benefit to force him to use this label."

Paul's biological father sees him on a semi-regular basis, but it was Paul's choice to live with March. "The biological father does not have much input into Paul's life, but I do nothing to discourage it," March says. "I explain it to Paul as a world of choices and consequences. It's tough for kids (and adults) to see the world in shades of gray instead of black and white."

Single parenting is tough on anyone, but March's circumstances made it that much harder. "The most difficult part for me about being a single parent is that I was totally unprepared for the role," he says. "While I'm sure Paul's situation isn't unique, it isn't easy. I didn't know whether we needed to be like boot camp or a frat house. So I decided to set firm limits that were not to be tested – but were wide enough for him to bounce around and still feel safe. I have also learned that no matter how bad my day is, I have to leave it at the door."

Bouncing Around and Feeling Safe

When March describes his parental controls with Paul, he uses this analogy:

"I let Paul be a virtual bowling ball rolling down a long alley," he says. "As his dad, I set up strong bumpers on both sides so he will have a secure roll. He might bounce off the bumpers from side to side, he may cling to one side for a while, he may go right down the middle. After a lot of practice rolls (growing and trusting), I widen the lane slightly. The bumpers are still there, always letting him know he's safe. It's been two years and the bumpers are still there, and as the lane gets wider and the choices get more difficult, my hope is Paul will visualize the 'bumpers' and roll straight. If not, the bumpers will be there, because I'm his dad. And that's what dads do."

One mistake March says he made was bringing a woman he cared deeply for into their lives, which Paul did accept. "Unfortunately, that relationship did not continue and we were both heartbroken," he says. "That's a mistake I will not ever make again."

And dating has been tough for Paul, who is 17 and a senior in high school. "I think there's an underlying trust issue for him with girls," March says. "It might be a lack of self-confidence. It may be that he's seen the pain of failed relationships and doesn't want any part of that." Paul sees a therapist to help him channel his anger and disappointment. "I can't keep him from getting heartbroken by his first 'love,' but I can sure try to help him to accept the concept," March says.

Home Life

March says Paul is fascinated by Anime and computer simulation games and has musical tastes that are more jazz and classical than Kid Rock and rap. "He was in the Boy Scouts for a time, but wasn't big on the rules and time commitment, but loved the camping and outdoor stuff," he says. "He likes fencing, anything Japanese and can recite lines from movies and TV in any conversation."

The two spend a lot of time together and enjoy talking while playing cards or just hanging out. "We crack each other up all the time," March says. "Humor plays a big part in our lives." The duo has their "happy hour" of Seinfeld reruns; then it's dinner and homework. "We're not Olympic contenders, so if we break a sweat, its playing with our dog – who is the biggest couch potato of the three of us."

Cooking for Two

Paul loves tacos and chili for dinner, but one of March's favorite things to make is a seared ahi tuna with browned sesame seeds in a little soy/teriyaki sauce. March says to add some wasabi and carrots on the side, and dinner is served.

March makes a point to show Paul that he trusts his judgment, and so far he says that has been the right call. The two truly do enjoy each other's company. "We challenge each other intellectually, because we can," March says. "We spend time together because we want to, not because we have to. And sometimes we manage to irritate each other to shouting. But Paul knows I am his dad. I love him. I will always be here for him. I will send him to college. I will wipe his tears or kick his butt. This is our 'prime directive,' for any Star Trek fans reading this. So far it's working."

Rick March's Tips for New Single Parents

"A new single parent must establish a bond and trust with their child, and right away," March says. "Don't try to be his best friend, and don't ever lie – and don't ever accept anything but the truth, and show your trust in the child. This is a kid who needs stability and sincerity on an emergency basis, and as a parent you must be willing to make him or her the center of your universe for a time. As they feel the honesty of your love, it will be reflected in their behavior. If you can't do it, then seek out therapy. There is no alternative and there is a very short window of trust. It can be very draining for a new single parent, but the consequences of doing a half job can be horrible. There are too many options for kids these days, and bad choices are often easier. So far Paul has not made any, and I hope he won't."