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Home › Dad of the Month

William Shaun Riley

By Jenn Director Knudsen

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a father who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a man and a father. Above all, the Dad of the Month is dedicated to his children. Rich or poor, famous or not, he shines as an example of what fathering is all about.

"What kind of man steps in and takes 100-percent responsibility for a little boy that wasn't his? Then goes further and makes that child his own in his heart and in the eyes of the court? That would be my husband, Shaun."

Stephanie and William Shaun Riley, both 23, have been married for two years but have known one another since junior high. They share a long-term loving relationship and a 5-year-old little boy, Carter.

Carter, though, is not Shaun Riley's biological child. Riley is one court appearance away from becoming his adoptive father. But Riley helped and supported Stephanie throughout her pregnancy and always was a big part of Carter's life, even before the couple married.

Adopting Carter, though, is not the toughest part of being a dad. As a fire controlman second class petty officer in the U.S. Navy (FC2 for short), Riley often is away from home, out to sea on lengthy deployments. "I can only think of one thing that makes being a dad a challenge for me," writes Riley vie e-mail from his current, though temporary, home aboard the U.S.S. Carl Vinson CVN-70, whose home port is the Naval Station Bremerton, south of Seattle. "And that is all of the separation. Out of the past 24 months, I have been out to sea almost 17 months of it; I have spent more than half of my marriage away from my wife and son."

Mind at Work, Heart at Home

Riley says he joined the Navy out of high school for the college money, job training in electronics and mechanics and the chance to see the world. Though he doesn't plan to make his career in the armed forces, he believes he's doing the right thing for himself and his country. "I love my job, and I love serving my country," he says. "However, being in the military has its disadvantages. But I know that I am doing something that my family and I can be proud of."

Riley doesn't yet know when this deployment will end, and it could go on longer than a more typical six-month stint. Most recently, his ship made stops off the Japanese coast.

Riley says his own dad was in the U.S. Air Force and so has insight into what it's like for Carter to have to say goodbye for prolonged periods of time. But that knowledge is little comfort during a long absence from Carter. "Well, I would be lying to say there are never times I wish I wasn't in the Navy," he says.

As an FC2, he operates, maintains and repairs one of the ship's self-defense systems, its Close-in Weapon System. It tracks targets and can automatically fire upon them.

Keeping in Touch

When not on the job aboard the ship, he's in touch with his family back home in Bremerton or trying to live vicariously through Stephanie's descriptions of occasions he misses. "I am always trying to think of things that will bring Carter and me closer," Riley says. For example, he has photos of both his wife and Carter pasted to his locker and his "rack," Navyspeak for bed. "I also have about 50 that Stephanie has been sending me the past couple months online. I also have a funny one on my locker with my wife and son sticking their tongues out. Every time I need a laugh I look at it, because it always cheers me up."

In addition to gazing upon his myriad photos, Riley e-mails Stephanie constantly. He even gets notes from Carter, typed by Stephanie, transmitted verbatim from the kindergartener.

The family also chats on ship-to-shore phones once a week – to the tune of $20 for 20 minutes of talk time. And Riley participates in an on-board program called United Through Reading that allows the officers to read books on videotape that are then sent to their children. He also makes personal cards and letters for Carter and sends him items from ports. Most recently, Carter received a package of art supplies from South Korea.

But none of his efforts add up to physically being there for Carter or Stephanie. "I cannot be there for big dates," Riley says. "I wanted so much to be home hiding eggs this last Easter. Instead, I have to hear about it."

Family Is No. 1

When Riley is home, he goes full boar, dedicating himself wholly to Stephanie and Carter. "Shaun is there for Carter no matter what," says Dawn Valdez, a fellow Navy wife who also lives in Bremerton and has known the Rileys for more than a year. "Even if he's thousands of miles away at sea Shaun knows what goes on in Carter's life. From T-ball to Carter falling off a swing, Shaun makes sure to know what is going on. Plus, when Shaun is home, family is No. 1 in Shaun's life."

Riley's mother-in-law, Linda Louise Taylor, 51, shares similar sentiments. "When Shaun is not out at sea, he and Carter are 'inseparable,'" she writes from her home in Azle, Texas. "The most important thing Shaun has done for Carter is giving Carter a father – someone to look up to and admire. He is Carter's hero!"

Riley says when he's home the family spends a lot of time together as a threesome. They rent movies and watch them in Shaun and Stephanie's bed until they all succumb to sleep. But he also squeezes in as much one-on-one time with Carter as possible. Carter helps Riley fix the car – "He often mimics what I do," Riley says – and helps out in the kitchen as Dad fixes meals.

A lover of the outdoors, Carter prefers riding his bike or power-wheel Jeep outside to doing most any activity inside. In fact, Riley helped assemble that Jeep for Carter's 5th birthday, a task that he worked on tirelessly until it was completed for the big day. "I was working nights at the time and wound up staying up around 48 hours," Riley says. "I stayed up so I could put his toys and Jeep together before I went to work for a 12-hour shift. It was the longest day in a very long time. However, it was worth it – it was the first time I was able to be there for my son's birthday."

Riley doesn't think he'll be so lucky for his 6th.

Balancing Absence with Presence

Riley says he knows life at home will be different upon his return. "A dad cannot expect to just walk back in after six months and it be just like it was before he left," he says. He believes constant communication is the key to keeping things as close to status quo as possible. "Letting small children know that you are still there and will return as soon as you can is extremely important," he says. "Because when you are away for months at a time, it is easy for a child to think that you have abandoned him."

But it doesn't seem Carter risks feeling abandoned. When Riley and Stephanie were first married, Carter called him "Daddy Shaun" but soon starting calling him just "Daddy." "I broke out in tears the first time he called me Daddy over the phone," Riley says. He adds it was never difficult to enter a relationship with a child not biologically his. "Any man can make a baby; however, accepting the responsibility and the title of Daddy is a different thing," he says. "I once heard this song that said blood is thicker than water," Riley says. "However, love is thicker than blood. I could not love Carter more if he was from my own blood."