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Steve Herberman

By Jenn Director Knudsen

Each month, iParenting.com spotlights a father who inspires and moves us, who embodies the qualities that we all admire in a person, a man and a father. Above all, the Dad of the Month is dedicated to his children. Rich or poor, famous or not, he shines as an example of what fathering is all about.

Our choice for November is Steve Herberman, jazz musician and father of one.

Lots of parents put their careers on hold for their kids. But more often than not, it's Mom who works less or not at all while her children are little. Not so for Steve Herberman of Silver Spring, Md.

A musician and teacher, Herberman puts his young son above all else. "I do a lot of work, and I'm trying to juggle a lot of things," he says. "The toughest part is trying to do everything well. You know, Joel comes first, and the music is second."

Herberman, a jazz guitarist for 25 years, teaches his craft Monday through Wednesday during the school year at Towson University in Baltimore, an hour drive from home. But he dedicates the rest of the week to 2-year-old Joel.

"I'm really lucky because I'm in a situation where I get to see my child way more than the 9-to-5 dads," Herberman says. "It feels like I've got a deeper bond because I'm keeping track of the small milestones you see day to day."

Herberman says he is very appreciative of his wife of five years, Laura, who works more than 40 hours a week as a human resources manager at a health care information management company. Due to Laura's willingness to work full time, as well as to the nature of the music industry, it was expected Herberman would have more time during the week for their child, he says.

Without a master's degree in music, teaching opportunities are limited. He feels fortunate to lead two ensembles and give private lessons in jazz guitar to Towson students, as well as to have taught one class at Howard Community College over the summer. Herberman aspires to return to school for an advanced degree, which would allow him to land a full-time job as a music instructor. But that will come later, he says. "In a lot of ways, I'm holding back because I enjoy being with [Joel] so much," Herberman says.

As an accomplished musician, Herberman not only sneaks out some nights to play local gigs – sometimes returning home at 1 a.m., which is tough because Joel gets up only five hours later – but he also teaches guitar to students at home, hosts jam sessions in his basement, has his own recording label and recently put out a new CD that's receiving critical acclaim. The Washington Post recently said this of his latest effort: "Stellar playing ... Great jazz guitar ... [Thought Lines] is an excellent CD."

But because his son is his No. 1 priority, Joel's needs always come first, even where Herberman's professional credibility is at stake. For example, he says he often doesn't take work-related calls until Joel is napping so that his son can have his undivided attention. "I used to worry about hurting people's feelings more," Herberman says. "Now, it's just like, 'Hey, I'll call you back.'"

And when a musician comes over during Joel's naptime, either to take a lesson or to jam with Herberman, he'll sometimes take Joel out of his second-story bedroom and bring him down to the basement to meet the other musician and even strum a few bars on the acoustic bass guitar before returning him to bed. "You have to take the mystery out of it," says Herberman of acquainting Joel to his dad's students and their music before a worry-free nap can resume. He definitely hears the playing going on two floors below, he says. "I never call a drummer to my 'jam sessions' during Joel's nap. Too loud!"

When Joel's not napping, his dad always has an outing planned for the two of them, "so he's always out there, experiencing things," Herberman says. "I tend to get a little bored staying around the house. We very, very seldom stay at home." The pair takes in story time at the library, goes to parks and attends various museum exhibits, including the Air and Space and Natural History Museums, which are part of the Smithsonian.

And Herberman takes Joel on trains all the time through the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., or to downtown via the Washington Metro train. "Joel is obsessed with trains – [he] loves them!" he says.

The twosome also spends time with other stay-at-home parents – moms and dads alike – and their kids at one of three playgroups to which they belong.

DC Metro Dads is for stay-at-home dads and has more than 90 members from Washington, D.C., suburban Maryland and northern Virginia, according to the group's "head dad," Mike Stilwell, a friend of Herberman's.

At one of the group's play dates, Herberman met David Fletcher, whose son, Bryan, is about six months younger than Joel. The four became fast friends. "I think he's an awesome parent," Herberman says.

Fletcher feels the same about Herberman. "What makes Steve such an amazing dad is his tireless pursuit of thoughtful, safe and creative activity and his selfless devotion of time spent with his son, Joel," says Fletcher. "Steve is doing things with his son each and every day of the week, rain or shine. I have become a better dad through knowing Steve and striving to be more like him."

Fletcher admires Herberman for his ability to strike an admirable balance between his life as a musician and that of a dad. In fact, Herberman says he would feel unbalanced were he to quit work entirely and dedicate all day, every day to Joel. Joel has recently started preschool, which gives him more time to pursue his music.

Herberman stays busy enough during the days he's with Joel that kitchen duty falls to his wife. A vegetarian, Herberman sometimes will whip up a veggie pizza or quesadilla for dinner or blueberry pancakes for breakfast. "Those are my two things, but only once or twice a week max," he says of his dinner entrees, adding he'll start a pot of water boiling for pasta, a dinner Laura ultimately will complete and put on the table for the family's dinner.

Because he has little time to read experts' opinions about childrearing, he calls upon "common-sense parenting," he says, even when Joel has a meltdown in public. "I try to use humor as much as possible," Herberman says. "I very rarely get mad. I know parents have seen it all before and have been there." To snap Joel out of his tantrum, he'll simply make a funny face, and he finds the distraction works. "I think he thinks of me as the funny guy," Herberman says.

Though others, like Fletcher, believe Herberman's struck an effective balance between work and being a dad, Herberman himself isn't so sure. But he is certain his transition to fatherhood was, like jazz itself, smooth. "It's just been really natural," he says. "It really puts things into perspective for me. I tend not to sweat the small stuff these days. So I really try to be in the moment as much as possible."