Last week, we had parent-teacher conferences at our childrens' school. For the older boys, we heard a lot about growing skills in math and social studies and language arts. And although we are quite proud of their increasing academic prowess, the report I am most pleased about came from a kindergarten teacher who told us, "Jack is a good friend to the other children." I know in my own life, friendship means everything, and many of my relationships go back more than 30, even 40, years. I was thrilled to learn that at the age of 6, Jack is already realizing the value of caring for others.

How do you teach a child to be a good friend? Of course, there is no manual to follow; the forging of successful friendships is intuitive, it springs from the right chemistry, and a true friendship takes time and patience -- and some trial and error -- to cultivate. But, you can teach your children many things about the profound nature of friendship simply by being a good friend yourself. Last week, a mother at the park was breaking up a brawl. She had one little boy in one hand, another little boy in another, and she said to them, "I want both of you to say you are sorry, and from now on, use your nicest words with each other."

Use your nicest words. Say you are sorry. These are simple instructions, yet really they are the fundamental components of making a friendship strong and good, perhaps they are even the basics of making a society strong and good. It's not always easy to use your nicest words for a child who is angry and whose first response is to scream or to kick. It's not always easy to use your nicest words for an adult who is stressed from an overwhelming day. When our own children start sputtering something nasty, my husband always tells them the following because his father always told him the same thing: "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

I used to tell my husband, "Oh Chuck, that is such a cliche." But not anymore, because cliche or not, it works. Once in a while I'll catch our second-grader, Isaac, literally biting on his lower lip, and he'll say, "Mommy I don't have anything nice to say, I have something mean to say, so I'm trying not to say anything."

Lots of grown-ups I know, including myself when a dark mood is passing, could benefit from Chuck's favorite saying. When we shoot off from the mouth and the words that come out are stinging and sharp, we can never take them back. They hang like storm clouds between people; they cause bruises of the heart that are not quick to heal.

"Be kind to others" is advice we've been hearing since Girl Scouts, but really, it is advice that makes an enormous difference in the worlds we create around us, both in our small spheres of close friendships and the larger circles of communities. I want our children to be kind; it means far more than anything else. It means they will share their toys, they will offer comfort to another child in need, they will be respectful toward adults, they will turn into people that others want to be around.

So when we have a car-full of kids who happen to witness us snap at the woman at the drive-through dry cleaners because she hands us the wrong shirt, or call the driver next to us a "jerk" or worse, it is crucial to then point out that sometimes even adults do not use their nicest language. It is crucial to tell the kids that next time you're angry and want to say something unpleasant, you will try harder to hold your tongue, or bite your lip as Isaac does.

The way we treat others sends a strong message to our children. Let them hear you tell the woman at the dry cleaners you are sorry the next time you are there, explaining your outburst had nothing to do with her, you were simply having an off-day.