My son is 8 months old and I just found out I am unexpectedly pregnant. Since this news is a bit of a shock, I am trying to adjust in the most positive way to plan for the new baby. My problem is that I am worried about how this pregnancy will affect my 8-month-old in regards to interaction, breastfeeding and co-sleeping. We are very interactive parents. Although my son is only 8 months, he already loves to "tumble and rumble." I love playing with him. How will I handle my inability to "play" with him as the pregnancy progresses? I also use a carrier (he hates the stroller) and a backpack. I have planned to breastfeed as long as necessary but I am not sure how this will affect the pregnancy. I know many moms tandem nurse but it seems the older baby is at least a toddler. Any reading/resource suggestions on this subject? My husband and I also share sleep with our son. Is this going to be difficult with an infant?

Answer:

Congratulations on your new pregnancy! Don't worry about how your pregnancy will affect your 8-month-old, since worry keeps you from enjoying both your pregnancy and your interaction with your soon-to-be toddler. Since you are obviously an attachment parent and have a strong interaction with your 8-month-old, you may be surprised how well your toddler adjusts to the new baby. When a toddler,s needs are met so fully in the first year, they tend to adjust better to a new baby. Unless you have some particular obstetrical complications, it is safe to breastfeed your baby up until the 20th week of pregnancy, at which time the uterus becomes sensitive to the effects of the hormones of breastfeeding and may cause premature contractions. Your body, especially your nipples, will tell you when it's time to wean. (Expect increasing nipple sensitivity sometime in the second half of your pregnancy.) While you hear about tandem nursing, in our experience, this only works in the minority of cases. Tandem nursing exhausts mothers. Yet, it's worth a try. Much will depend upon the temperaments of both of your children. If you a high-need baby and a high-need toddler, especially if your toddler likes to night nurse, you may find tandem nursing too draining.

Concerning sharing sleep, it rarely works to have a new baby and a toddler in the bed at the same time, since toddlers often squirm, and it keeps the whole family awake. Best to get your toddler used to his own sleeping space before the new baby arrives. Try the sidecar arrangement: put a toddler bed next to your bed.

Here are some tips on how to introduce your new baby to your older child and minimize sibling rivalry.

1. Make friends before birth. Tell your older child about the new baby before birth, early on or later in your pregnancy depending on his level of understanding. Show pictures of a baby in a mommy's uterus. Out of sight is out of mind to a young child, so the baby who is not born doesn't threaten his domain. Let him pat the baby, talk to the baby, and feel the baby kick. Have fun talking about and planning for the baby.
   
   
2. Replay the child's babyhood. Sit down with your child and page through his baby picture album. Show him what he looked like right after birth, coming home from the hospital, nursing, having his diapers changed, and so on. By replaying the child's baby events, he will be prepared for what is to come.
   
   
3. Foreshadow baby's coming. "When the tiny baby comes out of Mommy's tummy, Mommy's going to hold it all the time." Tiny babies just sleep and nurse all day long and sit in their Mommy's arms. Tiny babies really need their Mommies."
   
   
4. Include the child in the birth festivities. Besides being with Mom and the new baby after the birth (if the child was not at the birth), ask for his help in planning a "birthday party." He gets to pick the cake and decorations, and to plan special presents to and from the new arrival.
   
   
5. Include a gift for sib. Savvy visitors who themselves have survived sibling rivalry bring along a gift for the older child when visiting the new baby. Keep a few small gifts in reserve for your young child when friends lavish presents and attention on the new baby. Let him be the one to unwrap the baby gifts and test the rattles.
   
   
6. Time share. Along with the uncertainty of finding where they fit into the new scheme of things, what bothers children most is sharing you with the baby. Since the concept of sharing is foreign to the child under three, and since Mom is his most important "possession," it's unlikely that you'll be able to sell the child on the concept of "time shares" in Mother. It sounds good to say that you'll give your older child equal amounts of your time, but in practice that's unrealistic. New babies require a lot of maintenance and you don't have 200 percent of you to give (which is why we are big believers in new mothers giving themselves permission to neglect housework and chores in favor of time with baby and toddler).
   
   

   You can share the time you spend caring for the baby with your child. Wear your infant in a babysling. That gives you two free hands to play a game with your older child. While feeding baby, read a book to the sibling or just have cuddle time. Increase your time on the floor. While baby is still small, he needs to be in arms or sling. You can be on the floor and your toddler will see your availability. As baby gets older, place him in an infant seat, or on a blanket on the floor, to watch while you play one-on-one with his big brother or sister. This entertains two kids with one parent. Try playtime for two: As baby gets a bit older, encourage the child to entertain the baby. Making faces and funny noises is something three or four-year-olds excel at and babies love. Big, toothless grins can be an incredible ego-booster -- "Hey, he likes me." If you love your baby, the feeling will soon be mutual.

7. Be open to sibling's feelings. Just as new parents worry about ambivalent feelings toward the baby, children dislike their angry feelings about their brother or sister and may want to hide them. Encourage your child to express his negative as well as his positive feelings. Give him an empathetic opener such as, "Sometimes I imagine you like your baby brother and sometimes you don't." Encourage the child to draw his feelings about the new baby. Children often feel safer drawing what they feel. When she does tell you negative things like, "I hate that baby," resist the urge to say something like, "Oh, you don't mean that! You love the baby." Be glad she feels secure enough to lay his feelings out for you. If he hears you say his feelings are normal and understandable, they'll lose a lot of the initial intensity, and he'll open up more. Everyone wants to be understood and accepted.
   
   
8. What's in it for me? That's the way children think. By adult logic, children should be thrilled to have a live-in friend, but children in this situation are preoccupied with what they've lost. They don't see an "up" side. They've lost center stage, and the baby is too little to be fun. Mommy is no fun anymore since she's tired all the time. (Sibling rivalry comes at a bad time for parents. Just when you are exhausted from adjusting to a new baby, you have to deal with an older child undergoing a personality change.) Revive "special time," especially with dad: outings to the park, the ice cream store, even the convenience store for bread and milk. These one-on-one outings are reserved just for the older child. The attention the child apparently has lost from mom she gains from dad. "But we tell him we love her, doesn't that count?" Yes, but remember how children perceive their parents' love for them is what counts. Actions speak louder than words. Use "just-being time:" Your older child can sit right next to you as you hold baby (no need to put baby down or disturb bonding). Enjoy each other's presence with body-to-body contact. Even 15 minutes a day can make a difference.
   
   
9. Protect both children's needs. "I looked around just in time to see our 3-year-old hit our new baby in the head with a toy," cried a shocked new mother. Hurting the baby calls for immediate correction; safety prevails over psychology. Put on your best never-do-that-again tirade. Pull out all the stops: time-out for the child (and time-out the toy, too). Control any urge to swat the child, but you must deliver firm direction. Explain how fragile babies are and even though you understand he is feeling angry, you will not let him hurt the baby. Help him apologize, "Pat baby's head gently and tell him you're sorry you hurt him."