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Have a question for Dr. Bill or Martha?
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Dr. Bill and Martha Answer:
I am a stay-at-home mom with a 16-month-old daughter. She has, just recently in the past month, started crying when I put her down or she will suddenly come to me and cry for me to hold her. She also does not want anything to do with her father -- she screams when he takes her but will calm down later after I am gone. Please help me with what to do about this situation!! I can't carry her all day long. Answer: Sounds like your daughter is going through a stage of separation anxiety. Toddlers normally go through stages where they take two steps forward and one step backward. When she is in the regression stage, she will cling. When she is in the independent stage, she'll release. Try to go with the flow between the stages of clinging and releasing. Since you are very attached to your toddler, use this strong attachment to your advantage. Let her read your body language that you believe it's okay for her to separate from you. If she senses your anxiety, she will cling even more. A practice we have used to weather the clinging-toddler stage is what we call the Caribbean approach: Suppose you are busy, such as on the phone, and your daughter fusses to be picked up. Instead of immediately scooping her up, acknowledge her, put on your happy face, and simply say, "Mama's here." By your non-anxious expressions, you are giving her the message, "No problem, baby, you can handle this." Giving her the message that you believe she can handle separation is one of the most powerful enforcers you can do. Reassure your husband not to take this mother-preference stage personally. Along with the clinging stage, toddlers often re-attach to mom, since mother is the most secure attachment person. Above all, avoid this scenario: Your toddler is fussing and dad tries to comfort. You hover around ready to rescue fumbling daddy from fussy baby. Instead, take a walk and let your husband and toddler work it out. You'll be surprised what dads can come up with in a pinch. Toddlers alternate between positive and negative moods. When she is in a positive mood, arrange for her to be alone with daddy in gradually increasing times. Soon she will associate daddy with fun, which will ease the pressure on you to constantly entertain her and will boost the daddy-daughter relationship.
Between 18 months and 2 years, once your toddler becomes more verbal and can express her
wants and needs in words rather than actions, this anxiety stage will pass. |
