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Home › Webmother's Musings

Friends on the Move

Helping Kids Cope with Loss

By Elisa Ast All

My family recently experienced a profound loss. Our next-door neighbors, who are among our dearest friends, moved across the country. While we will keep in touch via phone, e-mail and occasional visits, the relationship as we knew it is over. It will morph into a long-distance friendship, which is a hard thing for my children to understand, and for all of us to accept.

Gone are the frequent play dates, scheduled and unscheduled, that the kids enjoyed. Missing are the friendly waves and lighthearted banter across the backyard fence. Absent are the potluck dinners where each mom looked in her fridge to see what she had in order to come up with an interesting meal for a combined family of nine.

But here to stay, forever in our hearts, are the moments we will always treasure: the impromptu "kid weddings" in our backyard, playful pillow fights erupting while watching movies on the comfy couch, praying together on September 11, laughing at everything – and nothing at all.

So while this loss isn't as bad as some losses can be, it has left a hole in our lives nonetheless. And according to iParenting.com expert panelist Paul Coleman, psychologist and family therapist, this feeling is perfectly normal. Coleman, author of eight books including How to Say It to Your Child When Bad Things Happen (Prentice Hall, 2002), says parents can help their children through the loss of a close friend and should begin preparing them for it as far in advance as possible.

"It's helpful to express what is happening in a way that might mirror what your child is thinking and feeling – without being overdramatic," he says. "Kids need to know the basic facts; for example, 'The Smiths will be moving to a new city. Jeremy and Katie won't be around to play after they move.' Then the parent should step back and allow the child to express his or her concerns or disappointment."

Coleman says parents should be receptive to whatever children have to say and should not immediately jump in with solutions. He warns that it is a mistake to quickly try to cheer up the child. "Instead, respond with empathy: 'I feel sad, too. That can be very disappointing. Friends always feel kind of bad when they move far away from each other; I'm sure you will miss them,'" he says.

Make sure you watch your children for signs of depression (such as changes in mood, appetite or sleep) and offer more attention and intervention when necessary. But take heart in knowing there are real-life coping strategies that you can put into play immediately.

"Computers and e-mails can take a little of the sting out of the loss," Coleman says. "Visits with friends are great if they are possible. Help your child make a video of himself that he can send to his friend. His friend can send back a video as well. Or make a cassette recording. Give your child examples of how you coped as a child when your friends moved away. Kids need to know that their feelings make sense and that bad feelings can go away and be replaced by good feelings."

One of the ways our family has been coping is by putting together a friendship scrapbook. The children drew pictures and helped select photos of moments with our friends to place into the album. By expressing our love and re-living the memories, our friends feel a little closer to home.