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Answering the Tough Questions
By Elisa Ast All
"How is glue made, Mommy?" asks Cassie as she creates a collage.
"What makes batteries work, Dad?" asks CJ as he powers up his new game.
"Is the baby squirrel OK?" asks Jules as we spot a dead chipmunk.
Life with kids is filled with tough questions. From the most mundane to the most mind-boggling, children have a way of stumping their parents with innocent queries that make us stop and think. We don't always have the answers and, depending on the question, it can be difficult to decide how to reply.
My instinct has always been to be honest with my kids. I figure that eventually they are going to learn the truth anyway, and know they were lied to. If I don't have the answer, I tell them that as well. Sure, they may discover that I don't know it all, but I believe trust is more important than appearing omniscient.
For a second opinion, I turned to iParenting.com expert adviser Chris Crutcher, a licensed child and family therapist and critically acclaimed author.
Crutcher believes that parents should allow themselves time to think before they answer a tough question. By replying, "Let me think about it a minute," you give yourself an opportunity to craft a reply that may be better than one that's off the cuff.
In addition, Crutcher says honesty is always the best policy when faced with a difficult query. "But you may not always have to say everything, depending on the age or fragility of the child," Crutcher says. "In the end, you want them to have enough information to handle what's bothering them. It's a mistake to not tell the truth because you think your child will be upset. There's nothing wrong with being upset at upsetting things. Most of the time we withhold information because of our own discomfort. It's always best to acknowledge the emotion that comes with their response, and to let it be."
Crutcher notes that it's perfectly fine to admit you don't have all the answers and, in fact, not knowing something can provide an opportunity for you and your child to discover the answer together. "It's hard to imagine why any parent would want a child to think they know everything," he says. "That's an unrealistic view of the world, and sets the child up to do the same."
Remember, you are your child's greatest role model. Your child is learning about the world, and how to react to the good and the bad in life, by watching you. "Go ahead and show that you're affected," Crutcher says. "Why in the world we want to shield kids from emotions, I'll never know. Think of the number of kids, or adults for that matter, who say one or the other of their parents were 'emotionally unavailable.' Knowing that other people, particularly the people we love and look up to, share our emotions and struggle in the world provides great security."
If you have a question for Chris Crutcher, you can ask it here.
